blows

I have virtually removed my online presence because of some mean people who have decided to plague me with abusive and harassing emails. They think because they have linked Evie to my real life persona that I should be worthy of their hate.

I am so tired of this now, i just don't have the strength to battle this and MS every day. When i was first diagnosed my whole life fell away and i all i wanted to do was fade quietly into the night. Ever since i have tried to live each new day in the sun but someone is blocking my view!

You may care to know that the time i spend as Evie is my release, my joy and i only really have a limited time left to be with her. The internet helped me find her and the internet is now helping to destroy her and i feel bereft by the dichotomy.

This is my last post, highs and lows - sighs and blows.
I will lock this blog in a bit, thanks for reading my ramblings and i am grateful for the friends i found.

Forums on Fire

God aren't forums a frustrating experience sometimes? I subscribe to a TG one and usually really enjoy my posting experience having forged some great friendships through subscribing to it's pages. But there is always one isn't there! Some lying self delusional twat who soils the pages with their utter nonsense and the urge to call them out, to shout,' you are a liar and i can prove it', is incredibly overwhelming but in the end what does it actually achieve?

....fuck all as a matter of fact because the anonymity afforded these people by the internet (which in turn can be a friend as well admitted) allows the Forum Troll to sit in front of their computer screen and post their Walter Mittyesque experiences for the masses to lap up and the equally delusioned to pamper.

Ah well, that's all i wanted to say, i can't post that on a forum as it would only create bad feelings but you can't carry those kind of thoughts around all day without venting.

So blog-you 'Posh-Spice', i would love to take you up on your offer.... twat.

A Past Life

Today I went for some regression therapy to discover if i had any past lives tucked away somewhere in the mists of time. Not because i have any memories of a past life but rather as a life experience, a bit like a bungee jump; you know something you do once before you die.

I went along with a healthy skepticism and was open about this with the therapist, who was a very pleasant chap called Stephen Monk in Westcliff on Sea in Essex.

I explained my predisposition against organised religion and the idea of a single creator so to speak but that i couldn't deny the possibilities of spiritualism beyond our present understanding and it was with this mindset that i decided to allow myself to open up entirely to the process.

Anyway, it's a self hypnosis, led by yourself with guidance from Stephen who puts you into a receptive state of mind through relaxation techniques.

It began by following my own life back, to teens and before bringing up certain memories to get in the mood for describing my thoughts and visions which can go as far back as before your birth although I couldn't recall anything about my womb experience. I am told that some do and choose to linger to, well have a look around frankly but none of this came to me so we then 'travelled' further back to search for when my soul found a strong sense of belonging in a particular time frame.

Stephen does this by using the clues he has picked up from exploring your early memories and how you process the pictures, sounds, colours etc. His initial questions are to ask you what is on your feet and go from there.

I should say at his point that i am deeply relaxed but aware of my physical surroundings although i did experience a curious and not unpleasant sensation of twisting down a whirlpool and although lying still in a reclining chair i could definitely feel the turning inside me that seemed to get stronger as i fell deeper into the experience. Indeed this twisting phenomena ebbed and flowed throughout the session and as memories became more vivid then so did the turning. Make any sense? probably not!

Anyway, what did i see?

My first sensations we of bare feet in the sand, hot sand and hot bricks. I was in an arid climate amongst a bustling market community with lots of noise and hundreds of people.

I was wearing a white draped style of clothing and the whole image was very middle eastern even Egyptian in feel.

I was looking through the eyes of a young male called Sara or Cera or something that sounded like Sarah. Definitely male, happy, fairly content and with little worries. I could see a single roomed brown brick house which felt like home, dried mud streets with lots of kids running about and a nearby building site where my parents worked and i could get a good sense of a father figure who worked as a stonemason but there were no maternal figures.

Although possibly Egyptian, there were no pyramids although there seemed to be plenty of other types of buildings and i could see my father carving square blocks of stone with a chisel and blocks of stone with ropes wrapped around them.

We travelled forward in time to when as a young man I found myself in a uniform with a deep red sash and carrying a spear, similar i suppose to Roman and boarding ships with horses for a journey. It felt as if I was being dragged away from my home where I think i had been carving stones with my father right up until the time i found myself in a uniform. I also felt a sadness that my father was not there to see me off but it didn't linger.

I don't recall the journey but I do remember being in a large unfamiliar city with different buildings made of a darker stone and dark windows, there was grass, markets, and many hundreds of people, most of whom ignored the new arrivals.

It felt as if i had somehow been conscripted into an army with many of the fellow men from my town and that we were now part of an army that was much larger and in a different part of the world. Certainly the Roman link seems a good analogy but there was nothing distinctly Roman that i could home into to get a clarification.

We moved further forward in time to where I felt older, more experienced and still in uniform, a leader of men, respected, perhaps a veteran? I was now a leader, not a general but more of a captain with a group of loyal men to whom i felt protective towards. I had fur boots on and this was a colder climate, with mountains and much green vegetation, almost alpine in its feel.

It felt like we were on the eve of some battle, that was probably my last, not because i felt a dread that i was going to die but more of a feeling of impending retirement.

There was a strong sense of having little to retire to however and no female company or relationship to go back to.

The final memories were of a blacksmiths in a thatched village, of being much older, of falling to a final sleep beneath furs and of having a longing for home that i had not seen in many years.

The session concluded with my present day self thanking Cera for his memories, i had a good sense of gripping his forearm and feeling that it was mine but i couldn't get an image of his face. His final message to me was simply, not to be afraid.

And that was it, i was brought slowly back to full consciousness and noting that i hadn't moved a muscle in over ninety minutes! Quickly a lot of the vividness began to fade, hence the rushing home to type as much as i could recall onto this blog. I am sure other things will pop back into my head over the next few days but in all it was a revealing and pleasurable experience that I was very glad to partake in.

Enough with the Melon-Colly

Blinking when i want to stare forever

I am never doing what I want these days. I'm awake when I want to sleep, at home when I want to be far far away, standing still when I want to spin in circles, smiling with weary good humour when I want to punch you in the face. Shivering when I want to be composed. Falling apart when I want to be together, whispering when I want to shout, walking when I want to lie down and gasping when I want the easy breathing of a balmy summer evening. Running away when I want to savour. Listening when i want to talk and still dying a thousand deaths for your entertainment. Indulging when i want to sacrifice. Blinking when i want to stare forever.

Urg

Well some weeks are better than others i guess, this was rotten and i am glad to be nearly at the end of it. I was on a real high from the Boudoir trip to Quaglino's in London on 20th, a fab art deco restaurant in St James.

As ever, Jodie and the girls were brilliant and i really cherish those times but increasingly i get tired when out late and last friday was no different. By the time i awoke in my hotel on the saturday morning i felt awful, like i'd run the marathon and had nothing left. It was all i could do to drag myself outta bed and check out!

The rest of the week saw those familiar symptoms creeping up on me again and by Monday I was was bedbound again. It's now friday and i'm still wearing the duvet lol but that's another 4 days off work that i took as annual leave so as not to cause problems with my attendance.

So worst holiday ever? Perhaps, time to catch up on back episodes of Futurama and 24? You bet.

MS is a bitch,

Having no milk when you need coffee, now that really sucks!

Bridges and Water and January

Hey ya'll,

It has been well over 6 months since my last post and a lot of water has passed under a lot of bridges since that time. I also hid my blog from all viewers in much the same way that i hid my life as Evie from the world.

It is strange that the month of January should once again signal a return to embracing the T-lifestyle because that was how it was back in 2008...... and just as it was last year, 2009 began with visits to Jodie's Boudoir in London.

This time around though, i am having make-up lessons and have a real determination to learn the craft. Also this month i have ventured out with the fantastic NE Angels in Newcastle. This was significant as it was my first time outside the house as Evie since Ascot in June! The picture on this blog is a DIY make-over that i did at home using Jodies techniques and i am really pleased with the results.

I had a few medical issues in the last year which are not resolved but what has occurred is that I have reached a peace with myself and can now look to the future without so many of the dark clouds dominating the view! Evie represents peace and fulfilment in my life and i need her to feel complete as a person but whatever the future may bring, what i have learned is that my world is better with her than without her.

Further adventures will continue......